This is why...

My Guilty Pleasure

2009-06-10T09:48:00.000-07:00

I first saw this pie from Randyblue.com's video and he caught my attention and interest from first sight!

There are some blend of sexy. youthful. ingenuous. charming. in him which made me drooling over him like a slave without more ado.

Malachi Marx. such exotically yummy

a bite isn't enough for you?

click here, here, and here and shoot your load over him

ttfn

Ed D

My Struggle in Love

2009-06-06T00:44:00.000-07:00

I just finished crying like a baby and it was shining outside after raining... so i figured this is a great chance to do some blogging.

I guess blogging is still not a habit of mine. I'm either too busy or too lazy. I've been occupied in settling some business concern here on behalf of my father but spending time with my family here is great and inspirational, especially with my mother.

To continue the incident from my previous post - he did call me again the follwing day. Mostly unnecessary apologies and explanation, wanting to re-ignite our relationship. I told him to give me some time and i'll think about it seriously. We'll talk about it when i'm back to New York, which is soon.

In fact, as most of you who haven't know, Mike works as a model, not yet an established one but that doesn't deny the fact of his lifestyle and routine. That's why i'm stuggling, still. Actually, i'd already knew what to expect from the beggining to commit with someone in this field. A field engrossed in so much superfluous temptation, so much i guilelessly thought i could be able to handle, or more accurately, i thought he could. But our affection for each other was so strong, it smudged off my safeguard and my sanity.

I have given it a lot of thinking but it leads me nowhere. Not even near to a decision. This is harder than i thought it would be and the struggle is eating me up...

ttfn

Ed D

When dignity kicks in...

2009-05-20T07:34:00.000-07:00

Something unforeseen happened. Mike called me out of nowhere when i was in my hotel room and it totally caught me off guard. i didn't know what to feel, and i still don't. delighted? wistful? it's rather bewildering!

He's obviously partially drunk after clubbing with i-don't-know-who. like i could give a shit.

i accepted his call

M : Hey Ed...

E : hey

M : i didn't know you went to Malaysia until i got the hearsay from someone else. i thought you'd at least inform me in some other ways?

E : Mikey (accidentally slipped out)... i mean Mike, it was a last-minute plan.

M : yeaaah? (sniggered)

E : you sound drunk, are you alone?

M : yeah. nope. i came with someone... but i guess i'm alone now. eh? babbling...

E : Mike. why do you call me?

M : huh?

E : why do you call me?!

M : (silence) i don't know Eddie. i guess i miss you... a lot

E : ...

M : Eddie, i really do miss you. so much that i'm too afraid to admit.

i seriously wanted to say 'me too'. tears foolishly filled my eyes instantly.

M : you there?

E : hm...

M : i wish you are here right now.

E : you're drunk. get a cab and head home Mike.

M : i'm sorry for breaking up with you. it was the dumbest thing i've ever done. i didn't know i love you so much Eddie. i shouldn't have... i shoudn't...

E : Mike, you sh...

M : please tell me you still love me Eddie. i know you do. and i know we'll make things out better this time. please give me another chance!

E : Mike, you should just head home now and get some sleep.

M : No Eddie, please listen to me. Give me a chance to make things work out for us. i know you still love me and you know i too love you. i promise not to screw things up like how i did. i promise...

E : ...

M : Eddie... please... i think he'd just burst into tears

E : we'll leave this till you're sober, shall we?

M : i love you...

E : ...

M : i love you Eddie...

E : Mike, i'm not continueing this conversation when you're drunk.

M : No, i'm drunk. but i'm not drunk when i tell you i love you. i mean it Eddie.

E : you're still drunk...

M : Eddie.....

E : i'm hanging up the phone.

M : do you still love me?

E : ...

i hang up the phone.

I seriously wish to tell him i miss him too when he said he misses me. I wish i told him how much i love him. How i wish he's right here with me too and how i would love to reconcile with him. But i just couldn't, not after what he had done to me, to our relationship. Instead, my dignity and agony kicked in. All i could do was acting cool and indifferent, splattered all of his fiery affection with my freezing bitter retorts.

I'm damn confused. Did i do wrong? should i come clean to him instead of saving my last dignity? Broke down, burst into tears and told him how much i needed him instead of making my retorts sounded like vengeance? But the thoughts of what he had done always strike my mind telling me to salvage my last poise left inside me.

Nsxon sent me this song when i told him about this and it desolately suits how i feel. Thanks dude.

Once
Doesn't mean anything to me
Come
Show me the meaning of complete
Where
Did our love go wrong
Once we were so strong
How can I go on?

When you told me you loved me
Did you know it would take me the rest of my life
to get over the feeling of knowing
A dream didn't turn out right
When you let me believe that you weren't complete
Without me by your side
how could I know
That you would go
That you would run
Baby, I thought you were the one

Why
Can't I just leave it all behind
I
Felt passion so bright that I was blind
Then
Something made me weak
Talking in my sleep
Baby, I'm in so deep and you know I believed

When you told me you loved me
Did you know it would take me the rest of my life
to get over the feeling of knowing
A dream didn't turn out right
When you let me believe that you weren't complete
Without me by your side
how could I know
That you would go
That you would run
Baby, I thought you were the one

Your lips
Your face
Something that time just can't erase
Find my heart
Could break
All over again

When you told me you loved me
Did you know it would take me the rest of my life
to get over the feeling of knowing
A dream didn't turn out right
When you let me believe that you weren't complete
Without me by your side
how could I know
That you would go
That you would run
Baby, I thought you were the one

ttfn

Ed D

Malaysian Sun

2009-05-15T12:08:00.000-07:00

With the soft rays of the morning sun through my hotel's wooden casement, how could i miss such opportunity to not capture it?

God, i'd forgotten how hot and humid Malaysia could be. but as crazy as it may sound, i enjoy the sun a lot! en route aye?

ttfn

Ed D

Topman or Bottoman?

2009-05-13T02:17:00.000-07:00

I went out on a date with Dominic whom i got to know from the internet recently. I rarely meet anyone i know from the net but he seemed to be quite a nice guy so i guess i was thinking of giving myself a chance to move on. He's pretty good looking too, so why not?

He booked us a seat at Dos Caminos for brunch which serves delicious Mexican cuisine. Everything started off smoothly with random topics circulating around our backgrounds and lives. I admit it feels good to have an attractive date for your eyes to fall on with constant sips of a sweet Strawberry-basil margarita. Simply adoring. Until the atmosphere turned frigid when our conversation dashed into the intimate part!

after asking a few questions about my previous relationship...

Dom : Ed, are you a top or a bottom?

Ed : (stunned) huh?

Dom : Versatile?

Ed : I don't like this question... (sounds offended)

Dom : Well, you know if we are going to start a relationship, it's important for us to know if one party is top and the other is bottom. Versatile would be all-around, if you are.

Ed : Dom, we had just short chatted twice through the net and now you're worrying i might not feed your sex appeal when we barely chatted for like... 20 minutes?

Dom : (offended too) you know this circle, relationship does not build on love only.

Ed : ...... maybe there's divergence between our viewpoint about this............

silence for a couple of minutes, while i fixed my gaze on my plate, thinking of something to say.

Dom : well, maybe you're right... (indistinctly switched to other topic, i'd forgotten)

of course as expected, our date did not end well. We tried to continue our hard conversation about other random insignificant topic. My once-tasty roasted pork turned tasteless after that.

In fact, that's the question i hate most especially when we just knew each other not long. I mean, really? For me it's like

"I don't care who you are or how far will we be getting. I just wanna know if you wanna fuck or get fucked and see if you match my sex appeal. What? you are top? sorry, I only fuck. Adieu!"

Where is love and the chemistry? or does that not apply on gay relationships?

I don't know how do you guys see regarding this but it definitely INSULT me and my homosexuality. So is this all about? Sex?

This is such a big turnoff especially on your first date! Obviously he has no intention to build a valid relationship but instead hunting for a sex buddy. and i ain't no sexual feeder.

p/s: All photos credit to talented Johann Marx and models: Francois Nel and Eddie Horak

ttfn

Ed D

The Big Gay Fat Anti-Hate Collab

2009-05-11T23:36:00.000-07:00

I found this on youtube. Pretty interesting.

p/s: Life has been quite routine and uninteresting lately after my breakup, couldn't find much to blog about :(

ttfn

Ed D

Catch Of The Day

2009-05-09T01:51:00.000-07:00

Summer is on its way and aussieBum has just released a sexy fishnet-inspired undies for guys to cool off under the scorching sun! Well, i think the net concept itself shouts "GAY" out loud!

The Aussie underwear giant describes its new brief leaves NIOTHING to imagination and highlights the sexy attitude and style of any man who dares to wear it.

Say hello to my undies collection!

Now, who should i flaunt my 'catch' to?

ttfn

Ed D

Pink Dot

2009-05-07T10:13:00.000-07:00

I found this from a blog i read and it touched me how Singaporeans are reacting to freedom of love

visit pinkdot.sg

Any Singaporean joining?

ttfn

Ed D

NY Subway

2009-05-07T01:32:00.000-07:00

I use the Subway every day as it's the fastest way to reach a destination across the city, despite the thought of pollution and germs! But if you live here, you would know that traffic jams are like hell and if i use the yellow cab, half of my day would be dead and gone. It leaves me no choice since i have no personal limo and a chauffeur.

Ever since my breakup with him, memories keep on flashing back everytime i am in the subway, be it sweet or bitter, which i have one particularly provocative one today. I saw the redhead street musician whom i have not seen for quite some time. We liked her voice a lot and there were a couple of times we would get ourselves a cup of coffee from Starbucks, sit down on the bench holding hands and enjoying her singing, lazying our evening away.

Well, it's different today without him by me side and it hurt me listening to her voice instead of enjoyment. I just tossed some quarters and rushed by.

Mike, i hope things would have worked out right for us, which apparently didn't. Just so you know i still love you and i know you'll not be seeing this anyway...

p/s: Heading back to Malaysia soon for a few days

ttfn

Ed D

Hectic And Horny

2009-05-06T07:12:00.000-07:00

As hectic as my life can be...

... I still find time to feel horny

guess i'm a failed blogger. too tired to blog after the long hours.

and yes, that's me in the pics

ttfn

Ed D

Taste Of Evil

2009-05-05T02:43:00.000-07:00

Taste Of Evil

Honored to be the model for my friend Xiaofung a.k.a Melissa for her project. Thanks for the photo, I like how it turns out hah. It's wicked!

ttfn

Ed D

Sluggish Saturday

2009-05-02T07:25:00.000-07:00

It's sluggish Saturday! Headed downtown to hang out with my chums (Julian & Christian) and i enjoyed much as we'd not meet since forever. Grabbed a macchiato from Starbucks and got carried away in our crazy conversation, catching up with each others' lives. Time's really passing fast, how insane is that?

Did a little window shopping and a movie before parting our ways.

"17 Again" rocks! or should i say Zac Efron rocks? Can't even recall the exact plot Hah but one thing for sure, so hot he melts... seriously!

ttfn

Ed D

Blinded Love

2009-04-29T18:19:00.000-07:00

still waiting for that "someone"

He once told me that

"Love is a very complicated concept due to the fact that it is always inexplicable. The crazy thing is that we search and search for someone to love never realizing the true concept of the word, but once the search is done, once we find that very person to love that loves us back, the inexplicability of that certain concept can finally be understood and explained and the only true explanation lies in the eyes of the one that you love. But then again love is anything but a simple concept it is a form of free will that we all choose to live by whether we're good or bad, and in the end of times true love is the only thing that will forever last and in this god forsaken world, we will learn to love and love will be all that we will be doing."

and obviously we never did realize the true concept of the word despite knowing its necessity. Simply 'cause besides the love which lies in his eyes, there's also disloyalty lingering...

maybe I was too blind to see. or maybe I chose not to see...

We two boys together clinging,
One the other never leaving,
Up and down the roads going, North and South excursions making,
Power enjoying, elbows stretching, fingers clutching,
Arm'd and fearless, eating, drinking, sleeping, loving,
No law less than ourselves owning, sailing, soldiering, thieving, threatening,
Misers, menials, priests alarming, air breathing, water drinking, on the turf or the sea-beach dancing,
Cities wrenching, ease scorning, statues mocking, feebleness chasing,

Fullfilling our foray.

This was once our fantasy. stupid fantasy.

ttfn

Ed D

The Beginning of Something New

2009-04-29T12:25:00.000-07:00

I opened this blog on my own desire.

I write. I post. I share. I crap. I bitch.

and if you don't like what i have to say. Mind you. there's always an 'x' button on the top right of the page. Make your leave with poise without leaving any shits behind. Like i give a damn anyway.

This blog is a run-a-way diversion where i can choose to be myself as well as where i can choose to hide behind my shades.

I tell what i wish to tell and I twist what i don't desire to unveil nakedly. So save your "liar" and "faker" words to yourself and don't go judging me for who i am or what i do not disclose.

Anyhow, i am actually a decent guy to hang around (on condition that you don't mess with me)

p/s. I've been keen to reading blogs since the beginning of this year after some recommendations and it kinda shove me to have one myself. So i guess it's my time now.

ttfn

Ed D